Death and Grieving

Definition

Grief is a natural response to the death of a family member or friend.

Description

Grief hurts, but it is necessary. When a death tears your world apart, grieving is the process that helps put it back together. While grief is natural, it is also highly individual. The relationship with the person who died will certainly influence grief, but so will your age, religious beliefs and previous experience with death. The age of the deceased and the circumstances of death will also affect the intensity of the grief experienced.

Certain reactions to the death of a loved one are quite common, and you can expect to experience some of them.

You may go into shock. If the death was unexpected, it is possible that you may even find yourself denying at first that the person has died.

Another immediate reaction to death is anger. You may feel anger toward the doctors or nurses who could not save your loved one and even toward God. You may feel anger toward the person who died for leaving you, and you may feel guilty that the anger will not go away.

We experience guilt for a number of reasons. It is common for a bereaved person to feel guilty simply for being alive when someone else has died. You may believe that somehow you should have prevented the death, or should have been present to say good-bye.

You may dwell on an argument you had with the deceased. As the reality of death sinks in, it is common for the bereaved person to slip into depression. Even if you are normally a committed, caring person, you may find that you do not care about anything or anyone.

You may also feel helpless. There may also be the sense of additional loss. A woman who is widowed, for example, did not just lose her husband. She also lost a friend, a confidant, someone to take vacations with, someone to help care for the children. These additional losses can leave you feeling confused.

Another common reaction among those who grieve is preoccupation with the person who died. You may think about him or her constantly, re-create the circumstances of the death over and over again in your mind, have dreams or nightmares about the person - and even think you see or hear them. Most people are surprised and frightened by the intensity of these reactions.

The mental strain of grief can take a physical toll as well. It is not unusual for the bereaved to lose weight, experience difficulty sleeping, become irritable or listless, or feel short of breath.

Coping With Grief

One must first recognize that grief is necessary and that it is something to work through. One of the best ways to begin working through grief is to attend the funeral. A funeral confirms the reality of death and serves as a focus for expressing feelings of loss. Funerals also stimulate mourners to begin talking about the deceased, one of the first steps towards accepting the death.

Both before and after the funeral, it is important that you express your feelings. Take time to cry, and do not be afraid to share your tears with other mourners.

Talk openly to family members and friends. Do not try to "protect" other family members by hiding your sadness because in a time of loss, it helps them as much as it helps you.

Express your anger if you are feeling it. This is the time to lean on your friends. They may feel awkward for a while because they do not know how to talk to you about your loss. But you can help them by simply telling them what you need.

If you normally have a busy schedule, try to lighten it. Remember that grief is stressful and you do not need the added strain of too much work. Set aside some quiet times just for yourself.

Remember to take care of your own health. With grief taking a toll on you physically, you need to eat well and get enough sleep.

Try to exercise as well. Physical activity can often help offset depression and provide an outlet for your emotional energy.

If you cannot handle the grief, it is time to seek help. Ask your clergyman or doctor to suggest a counselor.

As time goes on, grief will diminish. This does not mean that you will forget your loved one. Rather, it means that you accept the death, knowing that he or she will still be a part of your life. Even though your relationship with your loved one has changed, its existence and your feelings will live on.

Questions to Ask Your Doctor

Are there any coping methods you recommend?

Can you help resolve the feelings of loss?

What can be done to maintain good health?

Can you suggest some sources of psychological support?

Can you recommend a counselor?